The 4 relational untruths: your happiness comes from within

How often have you thought: 'if he would just stop that behaviour, I'd feel so much better'? Or: 'I do everything I can to make her happy'? It sounds loving, but it's a thinking error that undermines most relationships sooner or later.

In his book on the 5 pillars of mental health, psychiatrist Tom van Mierlo describes four beliefs we all recognise, but that are never true. He calls them the 4 relational untruths:

1. I am responsible for your happiness
2. You are responsible for my happiness
3. I am responsible for your unhappiness
4. You are responsible for my unhappiness

They sound familiar. Perhaps even caring. But they lay a fundamentally flawed foundation under any relationship.

What's wrong with them?

Someone else can be the occasion for you becoming happy or unhappy, but never the cause. The cause always lies within yourself. When someone says something that hurts you, the pain isn't in the words, but in what those words trigger in you. That distinction is crucial.

The moment you hold someone else responsible for how you feel, you hand over control of your own life. And the person you hold responsible carries a burden that isn't theirs to bear.

The drama triangle

When we step into the relational untruths, we quickly end up in a pattern Van Mierlo calls the drama triangle. In this triangle, three roles alternate: the accuser, the victim, and the rescuer.

The accuser holds the other responsible. The victim feels powerless and calls for help. The rescuer jumps in to help, even without being asked. Communication goes in circles, no one feels understood, and the situation doesn't improve.

You might recognise this in an argument where the same accusations keep coming back. Or in a relationship where one person is always 'the strong one' taking care of the other. Or in a friendship where you always feel you fall short.

How do you break out of it?

The first step is recognition. Ask yourself in a conflict: am I holding the other person responsible for how I feel? Or am I taking ownership of my own feelings?

Van Mierlo describes a helpful mindset: 'I'm OK, you're OK'. Not in the sense of 'everything is fine', but as an attitude towards yourself and the other. You are equals. You stand on your own two feet. You speak from yourself, not from blame.

Concretely: instead of 'you always make me so angry', you say 'I feel angry when this happens'. It seems like a small difference, but it brings responsibility back to where it belongs: with yourself.

What this means for relationships

Healthy relationships aren't free of conflict. They are characterised by people who each stand on their own feet while remaining connected. Van Mierlo uses the metaphor of the letter H: two people standing upright with a bridge between them. The letter A represents two people leaning on each other, at risk of falling.

Taking responsibility for your own happiness is not a cold or distant principle. It is actually the foundation of real connection. Because when you know your own wellbeing doesn't depend on me, you can love me without desperation.

At Well Aware, we believe mental health starts with exactly these insights: understanding how your relationships work and recognising the patterns that keep you small. Want to explore this further? Read Tom van Mierlo's book, available as a free download at ypse.nl.